When was actually the last time that I actually spent quality time with my family? One week? One month? One year? Or let me say, several years ago. =(.. It’s actually true. Three long years have passed since I spent quality time with my family as a whole. It just started when my sister ruined it all. But I cant do anything about that anymore things already happened and it can never be reversed. I just have to accept the fact that things would change.
I’ve always questioned myself why I wasn’t able to bond with my family(I mean complete, the 4 of us plus my nephews) that much. But I’ve had a few ‘bonding moments’ with my mom but not the same way as before. I’ve had a lot of questions in my mind why this was happening. Was it because I grew up already? Don’t I have much time for them? Or they don’t have time for me and our family? It hurts when I think about these things. I also get hurt when I see other families spend time with their families to have fun or even families who go to church together. I really miss those time when we woke up early during Sunday mornings to prepare for church. What happening now is I wake up on my own, eat my breakfast, prepare for church, and go to church ALONE. =(..
Another thing, I actually don’t see my family at home. I’m always alone at home. My dad is always out in the mornings and at night. My sister leaves the house early and I don’t know where to find her. My mom is always out. Either she’s in a meeting till late in the evening, overtime at the office or travelling from place to place, week after week. Isn’t it sad? I actually went home for the summer not only for myself but also for them. So I could spend time with them. But what’s happening right now? I’m left all alone everyday. What should I do then? The only thing I could do so I would not feel the loneliness is to leave the house and roam around the city still alone and enjoy whatever I see even if don’t know where to go. Sometimes I spend the whole day, as in the whole day till late at night, in the internet café. Yes I do have friends but the happiness that they provide are not enough to compensate for what I’m missing from my family – love(I mean MORE love through their presence), attention, time, support, understanding and more.
I keep thinking if these would actually end and be able to live happily with my family and myself again. I wish those days which were full of fun and laughter would soon come again. Maybe when this time comes, it would also be the time when I would be able to find myself and have complete direction in my life and be able to fix things that I messed up.
Sorry if it’s not that too organized. I actually didn’t knew what to write. I just wanted to relieve myself from what I’m feeling right now.
(composed on April 20, 2008 1:00am)
