i maDE the WronG deciSioN

it took me some time until i finally realized that I MADE THE WRONG DECISION..

WRONG DECISION of giving up the only thing i wanted since the time i said that i wanted to be that kind of person when i grow up..

its heartbreaking that i easily gave up and did not fight for what i really wanted..

up to this point of writing this, my heart still aches..

i think it was a battle of heart and mind..

if i remember correctly, during the time that i made a decision, i was still confused what would my final decision would be..

but i chose to follow what my mind told me which was to give up and go with was i was thinking about to do and at the same time, ignored what my heart really said..

because of that, im now stuck in the path that i chose and its goodbye to what i really like..

of course i like what im stuck with right now but if i would be asked to rank the two, the present path i chose would only be number two and the thing that i gave up would be NUMBER ONE in my list..

but i guess there no turning back right now and all i could do would accept the fact that i was wrong with my decision, and live with what i chose.

i hope i could get over this thing as soon as possible so i would not have a hard time anymore..

my life..my so UNFORTUNATE life..i think..

When was actually the last time that I actually spent quality time with my family? One week? One month? One year? Or let me say, several years ago. =(.. It’s actually true. Three long years have passed since I spent quality time with my family as a whole. It just started when my sister ruined it all. But I cant do anything about that anymore things already happened and it can never be reversed. I just have to accept the fact that things would change.

I’ve always questioned myself why I wasn’t able to bond with my family(I mean complete, the 4 of us plus my nephews) that much. But I’ve had a few ‘bonding moments’ with my mom but not the same way as before. I’ve had a lot of questions in my mind why this was happening. Was it because I grew up already? Don’t I have much time for them? Or they don’t have time for me and our family? It hurts when I think about these things. I also get hurt when I see other families spend time with their families to have fun or even families who go to church together. I really miss those time when we woke up early during Sunday mornings to prepare for church. What happening now is I wake up on my own, eat my breakfast, prepare for church, and go to church ALONE. =(..

Another thing, I actually don’t see my family at home. I’m always alone at home. My dad is always out in the mornings and at night. My sister leaves the house early and I don’t know where to find her. My mom is always out. Either she’s in a meeting till late in the evening, overtime at the office or travelling from place to place, week after week. Isn’t it sad? I actually went home for the summer not only for myself but also for them. So I could spend time with them. But what’s happening right now? I’m left all alone everyday. What should I do then? The only thing I could do so I would not feel the loneliness is to leave the house and roam around the city still alone and enjoy whatever I see even if don’t know where to go. Sometimes I spend the whole day, as in the whole day till late at night, in the internet café. Yes I do have friends but the happiness that they provide are not enough to compensate for what I’m missing from my family – love(I mean MORE love through their presence), attention, time, support, understanding and more.

I keep thinking if these would actually end and be able to live happily with my family and myself again. I wish those days which were full of fun and laughter would soon come again. Maybe when this time comes, it would also be the time when I would be able to find myself and have complete direction in my life and be able to fix things that I messed up.

Sorry if it’s not that too organized. I actually didn’t knew what to write. I just wanted to relieve myself from what I’m feeling right now.

(composed on April 20, 2008 1:00am)

its summertaym olredi...yeeeeyyy!!

im back for the summer vacation..yeah!! some of the pics the day i arrived in tacloban..

something to reflect about..

I want to come closer, but you are so distant.
Lately your thoughts are so far.
I want to show you all that you’re missing,
and I’ll meet you right where you are.
O’ Love, I’ve always known you, and,
O’ Love, you’ve always been mine.
O’ Love, I’m only asking you for your life.

Say that you need me. I know what you’re feeling.
You cannot do this alone. I gave you my Word,
and I gave you my life so that you’ll never be on your own.
O’ Love, I’ve always known you, and,
O’ Love, you’ve always been mine.
O’ Love, I’m only asking you for your life.

You’re waiting for this life to be what you want.
(Is this what you wanted?)
You’re waiting for this life to be what you need.
(Is this what you needed?)
You’re waiting for this life…

O’ Love, I’ve always known you, and,
O’ Love, you’ve always been mine.
O’ Child, I’m only asking you for your life.

after listening to this music, i actually was able to ask myself if is this really what i want for my life. Do i really like the things that's happening to me right now? Would this really make me happy for the rest of my life or would it be just for a while? lot;s of question came to my mind and i actually don't know what i really want for myself. I always permit others to choose for me and i just do the action without thinking if it would benefit me.

right now, i don't know where to go and actually don't know what path to follow. i've been living with my worldly wants and actually forgot about what God can really do to my life. i actually need a lot of guidance right now and i think it's time for me to stand up for myself but of course through God's help. But i'm not quite sure if i can really stand for what i'm saying right now coz as i have said i don't know what i want for me.